Full Moon

I hope you’re watching the moon from your side of the city. I’d like to think that we are acting out a scene in a movie where two lovers who are separated (for whatever reason) both look to the sky as if using the moon to connect and think about each other.

The full moon tonight is magnificent. Shining brightly in the sky, it brings a sense of tranquility and peacefulness in the dark night. Outwardly, I appear calm and collected. But every minute I spend alone, I feel restless and agitated because without the distraction of other people, my mind overflows with the thoughts of you. I miss you and I can’t stop thinking about you. Then I wish upon the stars and the moon I’m admiring that all my affection gets to you.

On a night this serene, all I want is you. But I can’t break free and rest my mind. I feel numb constantly racing for all traces of you. You are what is occupying my life at the moment, and it could get out of hand at the snap of a finger (like it is already starting to). I am treading a thin line between insanity (bunny boiler) and craziness.

Once again I rely on the moon to carry my message. I face upward towards the sky and wish upon the stars that you, too, are enjoying this night and time. And perhaps that, with just the slightest hint, I, would cross your mind at least once.

(Happy Mid-Autumn Festival!)

Just Is

Why do we feel the need to justify everything? Why do we feel a need to answer every question? Can’t we leave questions unanswered? Can’t anything be just anything? And even if the answer is justifiable/-ied, does it really make it more valuable and truthful than it is?

Sometimes the truth just is. Like how love just is. You can’t justify it nor can you explain it when its magic has you under its spells.

Set ME Free

Lea Pool isn’t a complete stranger in the short filmmaking life that I’ve started only about 4 years ago. This could count as an impressive feat considering I didn’t even know who Werner Herzog is until last month (and I call myself a film student…)

I remember I was picking out DVDs at the Bennett Library one day a year ago to take home for entertainment. I had inadvertently came across Lost and Delirious (2001)and after reading its synopsis, I decided to give it a chance. Something about boarding school and the relationship between the two roommates caught my attention… perhaps I wanted to fill a bit of the fantasy of being in a boarding school and rooming with my best friend. That and lesbian culture interested me greatly. So when Lea Pool was introduced in class, I was looking forward to see more of her work.

I was impressed with the portrayal of the young girl, Hanna, and the relationships between her and her family. A love-hate relationship with her father at a rebellious age and unfulfilled maternal love which results in a crush on her teacher seems like a typical coming-of-age story. But Pool took this generic story and made it easy to connect with through the portrayal of innocence and confused young love. Hanna’s journey of searching for herself and a place where she belongs was satisfying, heartbreaking and shocking. I find it ironic that it is only when Hanna returns home from her grandparents’ does her caged world start to really fall apart, because home is usually the place where we feel comfortable and safe.

The heartbreak of losing a best friend and the ache of unfulfilled maternal love never failed to touch me as I found my eyes wet while watching both Lost and Deliriousand Set Me Free. Lea Pool has proved herself worthy of my to-watch directors.

At the end of class, I wondered how the select few male students who were sitting behind me connected to the films we watched. Set Me Free was only a milder version of extreme feminist portrayal compared to Hammer’sDyketactics and Menses. Even I had a hard time watching a representation of menstruation being a female myself. The images could be described as ridiculous yet humourous, but maybe that totally supported the purpose of the film. The commentary of this bodily event which occurs naturally in half of the gender population was alarming. It wasn’t set out to educate the male viewers about the menstrual cycle but perhaps rather an abstract depiction of its complications and an outspoken anger at the way the society has condemned this natural process. The video-game-like music was laughable and helped aided in the absurdity of the film.

I just hope the guys in the class isn’t all freaked out about women now…

If you really knew me...

you’d know that I have become obsessed with you over the last few weeks. And that I am not usually the way I present myself in front of you. I do it because I am trying to impress… but it’s hard to tell if it’s working if you keep ignoring me. But I guess I am intrigued by a new friend. Strangers who become new friends is a phenomenon that I easily take for granted. Only until now do I realize that making friends gets harder as we grow up because we become more cautious. We build a wall at first to keep them at a distance. Then when it is “safe” to have them come closer do we take down the wall one stone at a time.

Or maybe it’s just me. I used to be super shy. So it’s still hard for me to come out of my turtle shell if no one approaches me first. Usually I’ll be the quiet kid that sits on the couch at a party where everyone else is conversing joyfully with their friends.

Anyway, I don’t know what has gotten into me this time, but I feel the need to prove myself in front of you. Maybe because you “discovered” me and made me your new project, which is exactly the opposite of what I want. New friends are hard to keep because we all go back to our “old” friends. So I am desperately trying to find a way to perhaps force you to hold on to me… so much so to the point that I started to think about you incessantly. And now, I don’t know if this counts, but I like the way it sounds: I have a girl crush.

Maximum Capacity

Uncle arrived in town Sunday night. That means our house of 3 has doubled its usual occupancy, to 6. Aunt’s sleeping with mom on her queen-sized bed; my 16-year-old cousin takes over my double bed (and has made my sleep less-than-satisfactory), and uncle is supposed to sleep with my bro on his Queen but feels more comfortable on the couch.

I am not used to having this many people share our house before. Or invade my privacy all at the same time. Ever since I’ve moved here and started to enjoy a whole room to myself, I had gotten used to spending lots of time by myself (thinking and writing).

But now my every movement is being watched and I feel very cramped (since a majority of the space in my room has been allocated for my cousin’s suitcases). Boy, do I ever miss my freedom!

I feel like an animal. But there’s no need to stare at me incessantly. I’m not caged in a enclosure like an animal in a zoo is. So please, don’t stare at me 24/7. I am not a celebrity, and yes I am just like any other person on the planet (anatomy-wise). No matter how much you admire me, I do not feel comfortable being watched. So don’t let me ask you again: leave me alone!!!

Don’t wait for me outside the bathroom door when I take a shower. Don’t “see me off” every morning before I go to work like I’m your significant other. You don’t have to wake up at the same time I do. You get to sleep in… Embrace it, child!

Speaking of sleeping in, I should probably get to bed. Work tomorrow at 9am. Last day of summer work at Woodward’s!!!

On the Job

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Weekend Lessons

1) Catch up with your best friend. Eat, shop, splurge —but only do so at your own risk; drink, and have some pie while you discuss the latest gossip or the best film idea you’ve ever came up with. Then laugh a whole lot and hug each other like you’re never going to let go. Hugs are therapeutic. Add a dose of best friend to that and you’ve got yourself some holistic healing/cleansing… magic!

2) Let your inspiration(s) take you on a journey and be surprised. You never know where you’re going to end up.

For example: let someone cut your hair. Or cut someone’s hair (preferably a boy). Start by trimming. Then as that pair of scissors starts to grow on you, let it be the guide and your hand the motor that powers it. Go from nerdy to punk rock. Or long to none. I’m sure the lucky patron will appreciate and enjoy the change you have so spontaneously cooked up for them!

3) Don’t ever cook in a kitchen where there are two mom’s present. Things could get messy. Things could go wrong. Things could be judged and criticized, even if such thoughts are silent. Everyone has their own way of cooking just as much as doing things in their way, so be respectful of individuality! There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” to home cooking. There’s only “that’s not how I do it” or “you should do what I do”. But if it turns out to be delicious, why fuss about the process?

4) Sharing a bedroom and a double bed with a cousin who’s six-years your junior for two weeks isn’t as easy as it sounds. With near-to-none privacy you better be adaptable and prepared to be subjected to lots of hugs, screams, squeals, reading-over-your-shoulder, tight quarters, messy spills from overflowing luggage, and last but not least — even less sleep (and comfort) than what you were getting before.

The trick is to keep both of you occupied and engrossed in your own activity to not interfere with each other. Then send her to bed way before you so you’d have time to write a blog post about this somewhat ridiculous she’bang. Oh, make sure you have two sets of blankets in case she’s a hogger.

A Birthday (w)Hole

(written August 16th, 2010)

I turned twenty-two yesterday.

Like a lot of people would say on their birthday, I don’t feel any different. Nor do I feel my age. But on the way home in the afternoon after a rowdy night at the theatre party house, I suddenly feel hollow. I had just left my very friends with who I share intimate moments and hang out on an occasional basis. I should be happy that my mom, for once, let me stay out for a party!

Even though I am surrounded by friends, I feel lonely. It could very possibly be the post-show depression that comes typically after one finishes working on a show. But I’m sure lying to my family, not being involved with anyone romantically, and having to cram this week for my final on Friday right after the show’s finished also adds to the inner complexions.

I don’t know what I need to fill my void with because I don’t know what’s causing it in the first place. I am working at a great job, I’m excited to return to school in the fall, and I will finally have some sort of a decent summer after Friday (which means more hanging out with friends). All the things that are working out for me at the moment seems to fail in comparison to a giant hole in my heart. Just what else do I need to make myself happy?

The only reason I can think of right now, is for dad to come back… even if it’s just for a minute. Only then, could I imagine myself truly happy… 19 years just isn’t quite long enough, and the 3 without you is too much of a stretch already. Oh Dad how I miss thee!

I can still remember the big chocolate cake you bought for my 16th. Ten small pieces later, the big chunk of the leftover cake is stowed away in the fridge, which eventually gone bad. To this day I wish I had shown appreciation for that cake more, I wish I hadn’t let those pieces gone to waste, and I hope that you knew how much I appreciated the thought and love that came with the cake. If only you were here for my birthday again…

Sounds like it is dad’s love that I’m missing for my birthday.

Now I...

Just got off the phone with you, and I’m drowning in a feeling of uneasiness. I should’ve done a better job at keeping records. It would certainly help iron things out right now. The frustration in your voice was clear and I’m not sure if I could handle it if everything got out of hand.

And at the same time my heart’s pounding irregularly. I can’t stop thinking about you after last night. And once again I’m finding myself asking that exact same question I continue to struggle with. I suddenly feel so alone in this world. I catch myself thinking and preparing for a girls night out next Saturday where I can’t be just who I am. I don’t know what I’d say if they ask the right questions. To think they used to be my role models —dare I say, mentor— not being truthful to them is not being truthful to myself. But I don’t know if I (or they?) would be comfortable if I come clean.

Now I am agitated, restless and worried… but maybe also ‘cuz I’m just too hungry.

Even if I could push rewind, I’m not sure what I would do.

Searching For You

I have been craving for new music lately. Nothing on my CD shelf seems to satisfy my hip-hop/pop mood. Luckily I was introduced to The Veronicas a few months back by my music-fanatic friend Joyce. I started listening to their songs —specifically ones for which they have official music videos— on youtube, and came across one that I keep on repeat: This Love.

The lyrics in this song describes exactly how I’m feeling. “You have become a piece of me” in those several months when we saw each other as much as we could. But fate is slowly pulling me away from you. I haven’t seen you in three months… everything just keeps going in circles. I was here two years ago, why did I let myself give you more chances?

Even if I leave you now
And it breaks my heart
Even if I’m not around
I won’t give in (won’t give in)
I can’t give up (can’t give up)
On this love

Technically we are not together to begin with; so I can’t really “leave” you. Nor do I know if I want to. Something is making me hold on. I don’t know what, but it breaks my heart to think that I should leave you. You are not around, and it’s hard to not give up.

I can’t just close the door
(on this love)
I never felt anything like this before
(like this love)
Tell me the truth no matter what we’re going through
Will you hold on too ’cause

I [have already] trusted you to hold my heart. Don’t fade away…