A Birthday (w)Hole

(written August 16th, 2010)

I turned twenty-two yesterday.

Like a lot of people would say on their birthday, I don’t feel any different. Nor do I feel my age. But on the way home in the afternoon after a rowdy night at the theatre party house, I suddenly feel hollow. I had just left my very friends with who I share intimate moments and hang out on an occasional basis. I should be happy that my mom, for once, let me stay out for a party!

Even though I am surrounded by friends, I feel lonely. It could very possibly be the post-show depression that comes typically after one finishes working on a show. But I’m sure lying to my family, not being involved with anyone romantically, and having to cram this week for my final on Friday right after the show’s finished also adds to the inner complexions.

I don’t know what I need to fill my void with because I don’t know what’s causing it in the first place. I am working at a great job, I’m excited to return to school in the fall, and I will finally have some sort of a decent summer after Friday (which means more hanging out with friends). All the things that are working out for me at the moment seems to fail in comparison to a giant hole in my heart. Just what else do I need to make myself happy?

The only reason I can think of right now, is for dad to come back… even if it’s just for a minute. Only then, could I imagine myself truly happy… 19 years just isn’t quite long enough, and the 3 without you is too much of a stretch already. Oh Dad how I miss thee!

I can still remember the big chocolate cake you bought for my 16th. Ten small pieces later, the big chunk of the leftover cake is stowed away in the fridge, which eventually gone bad. To this day I wish I had shown appreciation for that cake more, I wish I hadn’t let those pieces gone to waste, and I hope that you knew how much I appreciated the thought and love that came with the cake. If only you were here for my birthday again…

Sounds like it is dad’s love that I’m missing for my birthday.