OTP in Victoria

(original post date: August 29th, 2011)

Today marks the halfway point of my 12-day work-cation. The work to play ratio is approximately 1:20 though, so it’s really a vacation with a few hours of work spread out over the week. What is work? Stage managing Resounding Scream Theatre‘s production of The Troubles in the Victoria Fringe Festival. It isn’t bad at all, the work-cation. Quite delightful, actually. I am on the beach that’s a 10-min stroll from the vacation home I’m staying in with four other girls who are also part of the production (director/producer, assistant director, production manager, and writer/actor/producer). They’re all reading, and I’m scribbling chicken scratch in my barely big-enough notepad. I guess there’s the first difference between reader and writer (though I think writers should be readers, too, I have a hard time burying my nose in one a book). Or maybe it’s because I don’t talk much. I’m more of a listener, especially when there are people who are more inclined to share… not that it’s a bad thing.

Travelling in groups means a lot of compromise, and I don’t mind being a part of the entourage, but I also need my fix of personal time. I didn’t anticipate having little or no time alone with my thoughts. Those times are important to me. But so is work. And seeing shows in the festival, and getting to know the people there. So some things must come at a sacrifice when you’re in a group (it doesn’t help that we live a 20-min drive from city centre, where we can’t just stay home and travel on our own).

There has been a lot of firsts on this trip. My first “work-cation”, which is in fact really a trip with friends for two weeks, my first speeding ticket, the first time I got stung by a bee (I think, my cheek is still a little sore). And my first Victoria Fringe experience.

So far so good. There are lots of silly and funny moments, good and fantastic fulfilling ones, but there are also times when I wished to be somewhere else. There are lots of beaches, lots of water, and lots of sun. I can’t complain :) Most things are paid for, and I’m away from Vancouver, the place which I’ve been dying to get out of… but I miss it. I miss knowing where things are, hanging out with my friends, and being in a place I’m familiar with.

By the way, OTP = On The Prowl.

What If It All Means Something

(original post date: August 15th, 2011)


I turned twenty-three years of age today. Mom expelled me from her womb after nine months of careful nursing (and many more years after that, of course), and I am thankful for her doing so. I am thankful for the life that God has given me; I am thankful for the things and opportunities I have, the privileges I enjoy, the friendships I treasure, and the love I feel. I am also thankful for the tribulations and trials I’ve had so far because it is through them that I grow and learn. Speaking of growing and learning, here a list of things that’s been on my mind lately (would’ve liked to expand each into a post of their own, but alas… time is short on hand lately):

1. I am SO SO SO afraid of growing old. Sure, at 23 you think I’m just at my prime and I’m too young to worry about old age (or even TALK about being old). But it’s the fact that time flies by too quickly that I feel I may be missing out on life. That’s the scary part. Not living life to the fullest or wasting my days away, only to realize after how much of my time I had thrown out the window. Not to mention going at it ALONE…

2. The technological age has made me rethink my decision to have children. Kids nowadays are immersed in technology so much that it disgusts me. It irks me that their childhood consists of youtube, facebook, twitter and they plays with toys like iPods, iPhones, iPads, and/or Blackberries instead of singing nursery rhymes and constructing with Lego. I can’t stand being buried in technology. We depend on it so much that we’ve lost a good portion of our authenticity and “real” human connection.

3. My passion for theatre and film has dissipated a little ever since the spring semester ended. I suppose it’s partly due to finishing the film portion of my studies. My education felt like it came to an abrupt end. I am left with skills but no tools to pursue my goals further in the industry. These goals seem so far-fetched that the passion for it eventually subsided and shelved aside for the time being. As for theatre, I am continuously immersed in projects. From one right next to the other, with few or no breaks in between. It looks great on my resume, but it’s taking a toll on my passion.

4. This is kind of an extension from the 3rd point. I recently overheard/observed a conversation between a friend and her friend that made me question the reasons why I make art. It has shaken my roots quite a bit. I was once told I was lucky to have found the subjects I’m passionate about so early on in my education career (so I know what to focus on immediately in university). But why do I bother? What does art do? Sure, it’s therapeutic and inspiring, but who’s to say that this is contributing to a better world? How does art make the world a better place?

For example/ tangent: one of my pet peeves is sustainability/ recycling. I am serious to the point that I’d take the (unused) napkins home from restaurants… or wrap left-overs in napkin instead of using a Styrofoam box. In the film and theatre production world, we create A LOT of waste. Like, tons. And people don’t recycle. There are no recyclables. All garbage. They do whatever it is necessary to capture an image, to transform words onto the stage, or.get things done quickly and efficiently. They don’t take care of the earth and instead use up the resources! This whole “is art doing good” discussion and debate still constantly goes on in my head.

5. Skunks have been crossing my paths for the past year or two. Like, one a couple of days ago, before my birthday. And instances close to home… Not that I’m superstitious, but I am really starting to think that it’s hinting at something.

6. I really really really want to travel. I want to explore the world and expand my horizons. I don’t want to get comfortable in Vancouver or anywhere else because I want life to be constantly challenging and interesting. I have an epic CAN/US road-trip planned. Venice is also another stop on the tourist map. Hopefully next summer, when I’ve saved up enough…

Whew. That was good to get out. Thanks, brain, for still holding up. I guess you don’t feel the age… yet… either.

Dear Boss,

(original post date: July 8th, 2011)

“Yes, I thought, I will make a note of that face – the face of the woman stitching a very thin, lustrous green silk at a table in the restaurant where we lunched at Vienne. She was like fate – a consummate mistress of all the arts of self-preservation: hair rolled and lustrous; eyes so nonchalant; nothing could startle her; there she sat stitching her green silk with people going and coming all the time; she not looking, yet knowing, fearing nothing; expecting nothing – a perfectly equipped middle class Frenchwoman.”

-Virginia Woolf

There were so many things I wanted to say when you handed the project over to me today. Things that perhaps I can’t articulate properly at this hour given the fact that I’ve only slept less than 8hrs in the last 2 days and I’m nodding off every now and then.

I can’t believe this is really it. So much responsibility given in trust, and so much dedication given in love and passion. With opening night upon us, all I could think about is how I’ll miss you and your laughter throughout the show. And who can resist those incredibly perfect interlocking hugs!

In the short few months I’ve (sort of) gotten to know you, I have come to adore and respect you for the wonderful person that you are. There’s just this unspeakable charm and attraction that keeps me magnetized… A touch of gentleness and a burst of confidence, all mixed in preserverance and wrapped in love. You are an inspiration, boss. I’ll see you from the other side :)

xoxo

Desperate Times

(Original post: June 19th, 2011)

calls for desperate measures. Chessy cliche, but so true when it resonates so much. The past two weeks were my breaks from rehearsal. Sure, I’m glad to have some time to relax and sleep past noon, but why is it that I feel so lonely? I have one cancelled plan after another because I couldn’t find anyone to do things with. My friends seems so busy and don’t have time to do anything, and the ones who aren’t working already have other plans. I don’t know who to call and ask any more. I would scroll through the entire contact list on my phone and get frustrated and upset (or just sad and emo). Then my night would end up here, in front of the screen that I already stare at so much. Granted, there are always things outside of this 13″ rectangle of glowing LCD to do, but I end up taking comfort in the virtual world. What can I say, it is the web that connects us.

Speaking of the web, I’m sure everyone has been reading and writing about the Vancouver riots that occurred on Wednesday night after game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Or busy posting videos and photos and identifying those thoughtless impulsive “friends” who caused the damage to our beautiful city. I am, too, as with many other Vancouverites, saddened by what happened. But I feel that this whole thing was a wicked deja vu and for the most part, am indifferent to the entire incident. This might anger you; this might make you think that I’m a selfish prick who doesn’t care about the city and its inhabitants.

Let me just say, I was a “mob extra” before. When Stuart Townsend was shooting Battle in Seattle in Vancouver, I participated in the real-life simulation of the riot that took place in Seattle in 2001 so that it could be filmed. Even though it was only “acting”, things did get a little out of hand. In the rush of the mob, my glasses fell, I lost my balance, got stepped on, and would’ve gotten more hurt if they didn’t yell “cut”. It was a terrifying experience, and I would NEVER want that to happen to anyone. So maybe I am just in denial that itactually happened… in the city that I live in and love. Maybe I don’t want to believe that people who caused not only property damage, but damage to Vancouver’s reputation, are a mere six-degrees of separation apart (friends of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend’s). Maybe I don’t want to recognize the fact that there is an ugly side of people, and they make the world a scary unsafe place when woken up from its deep sleep. Maybe I’m just too wrapped up in myself to do anything about my city.

I’m sorry, Vancouver, I’m still dealing with myself and reeling from the effects of discovering who I am. My head’s stuck so far up my arse that I’m more worried about how I’m going to spend my last two days off before working (volunteering, rather) for 15 days straight.

BUSY November

(Original post date: December 1st, 2010)

While men were busy growing their mustaches for Movember, I’ve been running around town seeing lots and lots of shows – 14, to be exact. 14 shows in 30 days… which is about 1 show every 2 days, and all that includes 7 theatre shows, 5 concerts and 2 dance shows!!!

THEATRE

Night, Mother (at the PAL Theatre) – awesome show. Heartbreaking and memorable; made me tear up. Depressingly inspiring story!

Iphigenia at Aulis (SFU Fall 2010 Mainstage) – weirdly comtemporary, can’t say I completely enjoyed it… it was a mix of a whole lot of wacky stuff

4 weeks of directing projects at SFU (2 short plays each show in each week) – Shows have been getting better and better as the weeks progressed.

Hamlet at the Havana – very impressive rendition of the original text (1st Quattro) in a tiny tiny venue for something as huge as Hamlet. They were able to use the space very well, and the acting was superb, too. It made for a nice traditional Shakespearean experience.

CONCERTS

Passion World Tour 2010: Vancouver (Christian rock/pop concert) – tens and thousands of young people came out to Rogers Arena that night. It was incredible to see so many people praising God at the same time. Personally it wasn’t as empowering as the last time I was there.

Hard Rubber Orchestra – one of two concerts for which I operated the Eon. They felt like a really big jazz band… and it was a really loud concert. Good thing I was up on the tech ledge, which was two floor above the stage. But still it felt like I should have had ear plugs. Can’t comprehend how the people sitting below me weren’t deaf by the end of the show.

Barry Truax – the second of two concerts I worked. Still don’t really understand ‘electroacoustic’, but generally a relaxing concert. Some parts of the music stood out while most of the other pieces felt like they were one long song.

Vancouver Symphony Orchestra’s Lord of the Rings Symphony – a little disappointed, gotta say… the entire time it felt like they were playing ‘The Shire’ theme over and over again. The soloist probably hogged 70% of the limelight. I’ve heard better concerts from the VSO. Or maybe it’s the conductor – the orchestra didn’t sound together, and the choir was really weak compared to the instruments. And mic’ing the choir just made it worse.

The Oh Wells at Shindig 2010 – annual ‘underground’ music competition presented by UBC’s campus radio station CiTR. Got to know them through a friend of a friend the first time I went to the Shindig event at the end of October and have been listening to them ever since. Went to hear them live again at the semi’s… now they’re advancing onto the finals, which will take place next week :) I can’t wait!!!

DANCE

Faculty dance show at SFU – have to say it’s one of the best dance shows I’ve ever seen… maybe it’s because of the new space that we’re in or perhaps it was the choreography. I was impressed by the composition and movement of human bodies. A thoroughly enjoyable show.

Experiments – a scientific research inspired dance show. Liked how all tech elements fused together to create the performance when usually some parts of tech could be distracting. Still don’t understand contemporary dance though :(

So 14 shows later and $113 poorer (excluding all food and beverage consumed before/ during/ after shows), I had a very arts-fulfilling month. I doubt I’ll have the same bout of energy to pull another record-breaking statistic in December though. I’m hoping to hone my creative energy on my film this month!

Why I Love Theatre

Death, I am sure, is like never being born, but death
is better thus by far than to live a life of pain,
since the dead with no perception of evil feel no grief,
while he who was happy once, and then unfortunate,
finds his heart driven far from the old lost happiness.
She died; it is as if she never saw the light
of day, for she knows nothing now of what she suffered.
But I, who aimed the arrows of ambition high
at honor, and made them good, see now how far I fall…

— Andromache in Euripides’ The Trojan Women.

This is presently my favourite text from a play. I would have never stumbled upon this monologue if I did not choose to take the FPA 357: Context of Theatre II course. This is the class that most people in the theatre program dread because this is probably the most difficult theory / art & culture studies class in the entire school of Contemporary Arts (at least that’s what I believe it to be). But having said that, I am enjoying and starting to appreciate the classic Greek tragedies that formed the basis of many contemporary plays.

Before, when people asked me why I like theatre better than film, I could never fully explain myself or give them an elaborate answer. I think I may have found my perfect answer now though. Following along on the required weekly reading list, I discovered a passage in Marcia Ferguson’s A Short Guide to Writing About Theatre that seemed to have extracted the passion I have for theatre right out of my heart and explained that exact feeling thoroughly:

Theatre is a meeting place where a variety of opinions and tastes can come together and experience the same play at the same time, in the same room, and elicit very different responses. This “liveness” of theatre distinguishes it from many other forms of contemporary media.
…
Theatre is one of the few remaining art forms that brings artists and audiences together for an event they experience at the same time, in the same place… If a play makes us sad, if it makes us laugh uproariously, or if it’s an embarrassing failure, our feelings about it are shared with other audience members, as they are with the performers themselves.

What can be more fun than that? You are doing something you love with the people who love doing the same things you love and then sharing that love with the people you love. What’s disappointing, though, is that even though you are trying to share that love with the people you love by giving them lots of opportunity to participate in the work that you love, they don’t appreciate it. (Am I getting too wordy here?) I remember hearing someone else say that theatre is like a prolonged social event. You make new friends and they become your short-time permanent family. Just by reading a play or being involved in a theatrical production, you are going through a phenomenal experience: mind-boggling in some ways and innovating in other ways because “…plays contain essential ideas, passions, histories, and emotions that use the materials of life to lift us to new ways of seeing, thinking, and feeling.” (p1, M. Ferguson) Your lives are being changed and transformed in ways you don’t even realize.

So why do I love theatre? “Theatre is life” (Peter Brook)!

My Sweetest Downfall

For the purpose of protecting myself from unwanted gossip and drama, I chose not to disclose a critical piece of information in the post below. And I hope that you will honour that purpose even if you guessed what “that” is and keep everything to yourself.

In the short span of approximately a year, I have become completely detached from my family at church. And I have no plans of ever getting back together again. I just don’t care that much about those friendships anymore. I mean, yes, they are still friends… not CLOSE friends, but friends none the less. So I suppose I should still put in some time to nurture those relationships.

The way I make them sound disposable is almost cruel. I was pretty close with some of them. I was pretty attached to my family. But the emphasis is on the past tense. I WAS a happy member of that group in which we so shared an unspeakable bond. Now? I just want to get away as far as possible. It’s not them, it’s me.

About a year (or even longer) ago, when I started to doubt “who I am”, I inched away from church because my heart told me that what I was contemplating cannot co-exist with my religion. Christianity does NOT accept that kind of people (contrary to what some churches have done/been doing or claim). So I turned the other way and found comfort in the arms of theatre and film. I slowly let go of the life I’ve lived for the past 3 to 5 years.

I start to despise group activities at church. Whether it be choir, fellowship or other kinds of gathering. I start to see things from the outside. I realize that one can be really blinded by the “goodness” that this home presents. I don’t understand how I was so ignorant before. There are many “faults” with this home, and when there are “faults” (aka politics) I feel disconnected with the people living there. The differences between me and the people who belonged to this home grew wider. Eventually I disregard myself as “one of them”.

(Why didn’t I try to repair those differences? Well, I didn’t see a point to “fixing” anything. Or rather, it was something no one could fix. I was starting to become the kind of person I didn’t want to be; the kind that just couldn’t care less about anything. So I was unhappy at that home. I decided to move —in secret. Why in secret? Okay, first and foremost, I didn’t want to disappoint my mom. That “home” was what she built her beliefs on. She lives a Christian life and that’s what she expects me to do, too. I keep living a lie to make her happy. But I also live this lie around the friends who I pretend to be close to. I don’t feel we have a special connection anymore. That bond where we all have a personal relationship with God just doesn’t exist in my life right now. So friends who were my big family once have become strangers with a familiar face.)

I move on. I find a resting place in theatre. Folks there are so much less conservative (in a good way that helps me sort out my issues) and open to all kinds of discussions and people. I make a choice to stay there. I continue on the journey of figuring myself out, and I start to grow as an artist (I think).

To sum up: my education (theatre and film production) caused my sweetest downfall from Christianity. (Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean that the two can’t play out in harmony. For me it’s far more complicated than what it seems — there are details that I feel unsuitable for examination here and now. I just find the former world much more to my liking than the difficult Christian life.) And so far so good… except I hate the “living a fake life” part…