What If It All Means Something

(original post date: August 15th, 2011)


I turned twenty-three years of age today. Mom expelled me from her womb after nine months of careful nursing (and many more years after that, of course), and I am thankful for her doing so. I am thankful for the life that God has given me; I am thankful for the things and opportunities I have, the privileges I enjoy, the friendships I treasure, and the love I feel. I am also thankful for the tribulations and trials I’ve had so far because it is through them that I grow and learn. Speaking of growing and learning, here a list of things that’s been on my mind lately (would’ve liked to expand each into a post of their own, but alas… time is short on hand lately):

1. I am SO SO SO afraid of growing old. Sure, at 23 you think I’m just at my prime and I’m too young to worry about old age (or even TALK about being old). But it’s the fact that time flies by too quickly that I feel I may be missing out on life. That’s the scary part. Not living life to the fullest or wasting my days away, only to realize after how much of my time I had thrown out the window. Not to mention going at it ALONE…

2. The technological age has made me rethink my decision to have children. Kids nowadays are immersed in technology so much that it disgusts me. It irks me that their childhood consists of youtube, facebook, twitter and they plays with toys like iPods, iPhones, iPads, and/or Blackberries instead of singing nursery rhymes and constructing with Lego. I can’t stand being buried in technology. We depend on it so much that we’ve lost a good portion of our authenticity and “real” human connection.

3. My passion for theatre and film has dissipated a little ever since the spring semester ended. I suppose it’s partly due to finishing the film portion of my studies. My education felt like it came to an abrupt end. I am left with skills but no tools to pursue my goals further in the industry. These goals seem so far-fetched that the passion for it eventually subsided and shelved aside for the time being. As for theatre, I am continuously immersed in projects. From one right next to the other, with few or no breaks in between. It looks great on my resume, but it’s taking a toll on my passion.

4. This is kind of an extension from the 3rd point. I recently overheard/observed a conversation between a friend and her friend that made me question the reasons why I make art. It has shaken my roots quite a bit. I was once told I was lucky to have found the subjects I’m passionate about so early on in my education career (so I know what to focus on immediately in university). But why do I bother? What does art do? Sure, it’s therapeutic and inspiring, but who’s to say that this is contributing to a better world? How does art make the world a better place?

For example/ tangent: one of my pet peeves is sustainability/ recycling. I am serious to the point that I’d take the (unused) napkins home from restaurants… or wrap left-overs in napkin instead of using a Styrofoam box. In the film and theatre production world, we create A LOT of waste. Like, tons. And people don’t recycle. There are no recyclables. All garbage. They do whatever it is necessary to capture an image, to transform words onto the stage, or.get things done quickly and efficiently. They don’t take care of the earth and instead use up the resources! This whole “is art doing good” discussion and debate still constantly goes on in my head.

5. Skunks have been crossing my paths for the past year or two. Like, one a couple of days ago, before my birthday. And instances close to home… Not that I’m superstitious, but I am really starting to think that it’s hinting at something.

6. I really really really want to travel. I want to explore the world and expand my horizons. I don’t want to get comfortable in Vancouver or anywhere else because I want life to be constantly challenging and interesting. I have an epic CAN/US road-trip planned. Venice is also another stop on the tourist map. Hopefully next summer, when I’ve saved up enough…

Whew. That was good to get out. Thanks, brain, for still holding up. I guess you don’t feel the age… yet… either.

Let's do a comparison

of my last summer and this summer (so far).

Honestly, I couldn’t quite recall WHAT EXACTLY I did last summer. There were small bits and pieces of memory here and there. But overall I guess you could say that it was all theatre, one show after another. I did a little bit of digging and remembered:

In April, right after I finished school, I started stage managing a first-year MFA project (which was like a mini directing projects). I went on two interviews for two jobs: Bard on the Beach House Manager and Place des Arts Events Assistant, both of which I didn’t get. I completely bombed the Bard interview. They asked really really hard questions which I think I answered poorly because I wasn’t prepared at all. And the events assistant job… well, I think they just found someone who impressed them more than I did. Okay, anyway, back to my theatre-filled summer of ’09.

So The Tide in April. What came next was volunteering for Rogers & Hammerstein’s Flower Drum Song, produced by Vancouver Asian Canadian Theatre. I think that carried over to some time in May. Then I have no idea what I did in the next two months before rehearsals for trojan women… started. All throughout July I was at school twice a week for rehearsals. Then August came and when a week of shows at Carousel Theatre ended, I was immediately involved in the shooting of Vagina Vacation, which then went on to place 2nd at Mighty Asian Moviemaking Marathon at the end of August.

In between those times I believe I went hiking at Deep Cove with Lucy, watched Rent —The Musical at Presentation House in North Van, hosted two pool parties and my 21st birthday party. I probably did more. But I can’t remember. I should’ve written everything down. (well, I had a list of “to-do” but it doesn’t help if I haven’t accomplished most of the things listed!)

And for this summer… well, things are lined up, but I’m hoping it’ll be different than last summer. I hope to at least make some money; save up for my 4th year production ‘cuz god knows I can use a little financial help. I’m taking one class —Linguistics, which I am really interested in. And so far my June and July is looking pretty empty (except for the occasional film production meetings and script revisions). Then August comes and I’ll be busy SMing at least two (if not three) small, independent projects. I am also hoping to see Cirque du Soliel’sKooza and The Lion King.

Shit, it’s already the end of May. I need to get my ass going if I want to DO SOMETHING. I can’t waste my summer any more.