Thoughts On a Tuesday Afternoon

I will never admit that the way you ended things still gets to me. I shouldn’t have started talking about it with my friends again. It was the dramatic weekend that I thought was history. But it remained as fresh and sour as a ripe lime. Not that I didn’t regret my actions during the course of our “friendship”, and maybe whatever I did (or didn’t do) made me deserve all the bullshit that you (and your friends) threw at me that weekend.

But all things aside, it was the very first friendship that I indirectly sabotaged. It was the first time that anyone has ever —in “high school” terms— stabbed me in the back and betrayed me. That’s the only reason I let it linger. There’s always a first for everything, and those firsts are the hardest ones to forget especially if they are “bad” firsts. It will remind me to never do the same thing ever again. (Yet at the same time it is still very puzzling how my own opinion, or the choice of that one word to express how I felt, could be so insulting to people I barely know and who barely knows me).

This brings me to my other point which I’ve been wanting to illustrate: never before that dramatic experience had I felt so strong a divide in social classes. This may sound unbelievable, but it didn’t hit me until we were no longer friends. I never realized that what we learned in social studies, those clear-cut divisions between classes in the hierarchy pyramid, would find ways in the present. Not that I think I am some sort of high class person who is superior, above and beyond those “peasants” or, in Harry Potter’s terms, “muggles” to the wizards.

See, the kind of person you are attracts roughly the same kind of people you befriend. If you like drinking, you’ll have drinking buddies. If you are outdoorsy and sporty, you’ll have teammates who enjoys those activities, too. And if your “standards”, or what you ask for in a friend, are “low” enough, you will attract those whose standards don’t fall far from where it is set. And what I think influences those “friendship standards” is our education and upbringing. (I.e. with more discipline, higher expectations and better morals and values, you befriend those whose bars are set higher) I really can’t illustrate clearly or convincingly how those are closely related, but I know so in my heart (weakest argument ever). And I hope you somehow get it.

ps- I just read your latest post (God knows why I still visit your blog), and no, it’s not correct. There are so many things wrong with that statement! There wouldn’t be “filth” around you if you aren’t one to begin with. You change those around you by changing yourself [for the better] first! Good thing you got one thing right: BE fucking MATURE. That is all I have to say to you.

You Never

You never said I’m leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried
If Love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died
In Life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place,
That no one could ever fill
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn’t go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.

-author unknown

Happy Father’s Day, Dad!

I don’t miss you one bit less. I wish you were here now.

Jodii

Rumour has it that someone (a she) became good friends with the girl she was stalking. This all started in year one of university, after that someone saw the girl in an intriguing theatre production. She immediately caught on to all the details about that girl. Seeming to bump into her almost always on campus (the girl lived on campus then), trying to “stalk” her didn’t prove to be all that difficult.

The girl was always with her best friend, who was in the same cohort (year/class). She sometimes had a boyfriend by her side, and when she does, it’s most likely that her best friend had HER boyfriend there, too. It was a handsome foursome. The girl weren’t exactly she’d call hot, but she was definitely eye-catching with her wacky sense of style (in a good way). That someone would seize every opportunity at catching the her and kept all things about her fresh in mind. It might sound ridiculous, but at the time all that someone wanted was to be friends with the cool twosome (the girl and her best friend). Eventually summer came and the infatuation faded as all of them went their separate ways.

That someone knew they’d be back together in the fall, when school started again. Less enthused then, she still saw the girl and her best friend here and there. Then, in the spring 3 years ago, that someone had the chance to work with one of the twosome (the best friend) in a school mainstage production. After that she continued working with her on several small projects.

But what really brought them together is last summer’s project. Both the girl and her best friend were cast in a play, and that someone is the lucky stage manager. She finally had a way of means to REALLY stalk them — or, she merely had a justifiable reason to ask every kind of question (if she wanted to). And through that show, she and the girl just started hanging out more often! A short period (and a whole bunch of drinks/parties) later, they slowly become good friends. Eventually they collaborated on a film together. They will probably remain close friends in the years to come.

Rumour has it, eh? If someone asked me to tell a success story from my life, this would be it. (Of course, I was the one doing the stalking).

History of English

I came across this when I was studying for my LING 100 Midterm and it made me laugh:

Psalm 23

Old English (449 – 1100)

Drihten me raet, ne byth me nanes godes wan.

And he me geset on swythe good feohland.

And fedde me be waetera stathum.

Middle English (1100-1500)

Our Lord gouerneth me, and nothyng shal defailen to me

In the sted of pastur he sett me ther.

He norissed me upon water of fyllyng.

Early Modern English (1500-1710)

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

Modern English

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He lets me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me to still waters.

Isn’t it amazing how language changes?

All In Good Time, Hopefully

When I feel I am back in shape with my writing, you’ll be the first to know. I hate how I have been enslaved to the computer lately, and there’s no way of escaping, really, because so much useful information can be obtained on the web that it makes staying away from the abundance of resources very difficult.

I am starting to get tired of my jobless life. Suffice to say, being out of school is an whole other kind of depression.

Stuck In a Rut

Recently I’ve been working on creating the website for Resounding Scream Theatre, and god knows navigating on the computer is difficult without a mouse. So I spent most of my time copy and pasting information that was already on their wordpress site. Then I wasted a whole bunch of time trying to fix their formatting issues, which tumblr doesn’t seem to tolerate. That was the most frustrating part of the process. Now I am just waiting for the artistic directors’ opinions. Then I can finally tie that loose end and focus on something else. (I created two versions because I wasn’t really sure what kind of look they wanted and asked them to pick one. So when both votes are in I’ll just make the other one my “recycle” blog).

Some other recently’s: I’ve discovered that the quality of my writing has been deteriorating. My posts don’t sound as interesting or as catchy as before. It might be just me though. Maybe the way I read things have changed (for the worse?), and maybe reading too much on the interwebz is affecting my writing. Am I imitating those writings that I find interesting? It feels like I am slowly losing myself, losing my voice and personality. Am I writing too many self-reflexive posts?

Thus I’ve become reluctant to post anything… Out of fear of disappointing myself in my own writing? Or just too tired of using all these applications/ blog hosts online? (In the short span of less than a month I’ve created 4 tumblr blogs —all of which acts as “company websites”). Or perhaps an even more sensitive reason: tired of explaining myself. Maybe I haven’t really thought my opinions through, so I don’t want a lengthy discussion while I am still forming my thoughts. Granted, there are lots of questions to be asked and things cleared up due to my ambiguity about certain issues. But whatever happened to just “taking things as is” and “no questions asked”? I guess that’s what still sets me apart from other native Canadians. The Taiwanese education system taught me to hold my peace and be quiet. We grew up trained as rabbits who don’t make any noise and take things at face value. We accept facts as they come instead of question them before we make them our own.

I may have lost the essence of why I started blogging in the first place. Am I writing for myself or for others?

Another recent big downer: I am totally broke. If it wasn’t for RRSP, I wouldn’t have a dime in my bank account… I have been spending too much when I hang out with friends. Whether it be dinner, lunch, activities, whatever… I need to cut back on food!