A Love Letter in Disguise

(original post date: September 6th, 2011)

A while ago I asked the general twitting public if anyone would want to proofread a love letter that I was going to attempt to write. There was one eager response, and that was enough to get me going. But one summer, two months and three shows later, I still haven’t written anything. The thing is, how do you go about writing a letter professing your affection without sounding cheesy and “right” in all the wrong ways?

Pondering, thinking, re-thinking, and over-thinking, I crumpled the note I was going to leave on your pillow and threw it in my backpack. I stood by my decision and wondered if I’d really just saved myself from a potential deal-breaker and humiliating situation, or if all I had done was rob myself of a chance to charm and woo you. I dug for the ball of paper, straightened it out, and read the note once again. “Your [blank] would be [blank] if you were [blank] [blank]…” Nothing on that paper sounded right. Without hesitation, I crumpled it again, harder this time, almost with anger at my own stupidity and incompetency at writing something more fathomable or endearing. I made sure it disappeared into a dark corner of my bag so that I could take it home to remind myself of how ridiculous this small gesture seemed. It warranted no second thoughts, and I was glad I had the chance to dispose of the note moments before you came home.

In the event of an unrequited love (which is what, 90% of all crushes?), things are better left unsaid and gestures better left undone. Especially when the other person has already expressed disinterest or been unresponsive to your “keen friendship”. The last thing you’d want to do is push your crush away by coming on too strong. I learned that the hard way… So now I am a little bit paranoid. I’m not sure what, exactly, is the right amount -or if there is standard. What tips the iceberg and what makes it melt?

All I want to express in all my awkwardness, is that I think of you when I wake up to a brand new day. I think of you when I see something beautiful because you are beautiful. I think of you when I see an enjoyable and interesting piece of theatre that I know you would appreciate. I think of you when I make new discoveries that I’d like to share. I also think of you when I get jealous of the well-matched couple on TV, or the couple walking along the beach hand in hand. And when I’m staring at the beautiful dark sky where the shining moon and shimmering stars hang, I wonder if you’re looking at it and thinking and wishing of someone, too. I’m mostly thinking about you when I’m writing this, but also working hard at wording each sentence properly (or am I trying too hard?).

That may sound like a lot of “thinking about you”s, but before you thwart me off, put yourself in my shoes; recall the times when you were thinking about your crush. I’m sure you know what it’s like and how you can beat yourself up for sounding lame and being a stalking creeper. Alas, being mistakenly interpreted is one of the risks you’d have take in writing something like this. I hope you remember that before you judge this post… this is my secret profession of affection. I am not defending feelings, nor am explaining them. I am merely telling you that I have been thinking about you.