Lucy the Rock

I’ve decided to name my magical rock Lucy. Lucy the Rock. Not as harmonious as Lucy the Elephant, which I was going to name my elephant object/ toy/ decor if I ever got one. No, Lucy the Rock it is.

After receiving Lucy as a present, I left her behind at her previous owner’s place. I KNOW, RIGHT!?!! I wrote about Lucy (see post below) and how she became an instant inspiration for the first half of my Sunday. I was so caught up in the inspiration that I lost track of time and had to run (well, almost literally) to work. It was only when my supervisor asked how my day was that I remembered I forgot Lucy on the desk. SHIT! How could I have forgotten my magical rock! I felt I was betraying Lucy and for that I’d have to pay the penalty of not having any wishes granted. Or just be denied of them altogether.

But I didn’t forget about thinking of a “legitimate wish” to wish upon Lucy! People say it’s the thought that counts, right? So if I was thinking of a wish while Lucy was waiting for me on my friend’s desk, everything will be okay? The universe is still right, time is passing, and life is happening… but I’m freaking out… a little bit. Then my friend tells me rocks are patient. It’s okay, Lucy the Rock will wait for me!

Two Perfect Circles

I’m having a weird morning. Weird in that I’m in my friends’ apartment by myself (they must trust me a lot), and weird that I’m in my friend’s room using her computer when she’s not home. I’m cold. There wasn’t nearly enough cover for my refuge on the pull-out couch last night. I’m wearing my jacket in the house, and my toes are not warming up in my socks. Weird that I’m having junk food for breakfast, and chocolate-covered butter cookies for lunch. A weird but inspired morning. Inspired because I’m in a place I’m not supposed to be (I’m still not used to the idea that my friends are okay with me staying at their place when they’re out -not that I have a problem with it). Inspired so that I’m sitting here and writing. Inspired because I am having a “moment”; one filled with uncertainty, unresolved feelings and all kinds of fleeting thoughts. But mostly inspired because the two people who live here inspire me.

A rock was given to me when I got out of bed this morning… but not before two bear hugs when I was still lazying around under the covers – I LOVE staying at my friends’! It was a rock from Cortes (I think; can’t really remember where she said now), a small island off the coast of Vancouver. This rock not only has a perfect circle, it has two: one inside another. Therefore it is magical. I am to make wishes. When the wishes come true I am to pass this rock along. I listened intently to the instructions and held the rock carefully in my hands. My friend wrapped both her hands around mine as if to bless me at a formal “pass-the-rock” ritual. I looked at her with a quizzical look, found all this a little too comedic and silly. (C’mon, it was early in the morning and I didn’t have my glasses on) She, however, was serious and certain of the magical qualities of this rock that I believed her wishes did come true. So I wrapped my hand around this dull, grey, and full of blemishes object that fits perfectly in my palm. I started thinking about my wishes. Wishes…. I don’t know if I have any wishes that are genuine and that do not only satisfy my personal desires. I dug deep in my chest of bottled thoughts and came up empty. I’m not sure I want to waste this rock with “unrealistic” wishes. Am I over-thinking? I held onto the rock and warmed it with my hands. All I could think about was how special this is. Maybe I don’t want my wishes to come true so I can keep the rock forever; so I remember what it was like to be handed a rock with two perfect circles…

"I am here. Wandering."

(original post date: Sept.14)

Do you ever see your “friends” (aka school friends who you haven’t talked to since you hit puberty) on facebook posting pictures of their fun-filled trips to the Caribbean, Europe, Australia, or somewhere exciting and exotic that you can only dream of travelling to because you have a butt load of student loans? Do you ever wonder where they get the cash to be so luxurious? How did they pay for a undergrad degree and still have money to travel after they graduate? How do they afford those fancy retreats or restaurants?

Do you ever look up in the deep dark blue sky and see a bright, shiny, and seemingly perfect round moon, and then wish that someone you love is also taking this incredible sight in, wherever they are? And if they are, do you wish that they are thinking about you, too? Or do you make a wish for them to wish for you?

Do you ever want to spend time with someone, but then when you do you end up spending that time in silence? Do you wonder what they think about? Do they feel what you feel? Serenity and happiness, or discomfort, awkwardness and wishes to be somewhere else? Are they telling you something with their silence? What are you saying with your silence? What if this silence is doing more damage than good? Or is this silence a bridge for more possibilities and options? Are you satisfied with silence, even when you know time is only threatening to take that someone away?

If you are there wandering, should I whisk you away and show you the way I want us to go?

Conflicted

(original post date: Sept. 10th)

Tonight I’m emo. I’d like to stay up and write, but I’ve been staying up way too late these past few weeks. There has been too many an inspiration. Not that I’m complaining, but my sleeping pattern is all screwed up…

Currently playing is the youtube mix of Skrillex tracks, and on my mind is what I should do when the day arrives… I don’t even know how to write this properly. Maybe sleep will make me feel better.

A Love Letter in Disguise

(original post date: September 6th, 2011)

A while ago I asked the general twitting public if anyone would want to proofread a love letter that I was going to attempt to write. There was one eager response, and that was enough to get me going. But one summer, two months and three shows later, I still haven’t written anything. The thing is, how do you go about writing a letter professing your affection without sounding cheesy and “right” in all the wrong ways?

Pondering, thinking, re-thinking, and over-thinking, I crumpled the note I was going to leave on your pillow and threw it in my backpack. I stood by my decision and wondered if I’d really just saved myself from a potential deal-breaker and humiliating situation, or if all I had done was rob myself of a chance to charm and woo you. I dug for the ball of paper, straightened it out, and read the note once again. “Your [blank] would be [blank] if you were [blank] [blank]…” Nothing on that paper sounded right. Without hesitation, I crumpled it again, harder this time, almost with anger at my own stupidity and incompetency at writing something more fathomable or endearing. I made sure it disappeared into a dark corner of my bag so that I could take it home to remind myself of how ridiculous this small gesture seemed. It warranted no second thoughts, and I was glad I had the chance to dispose of the note moments before you came home.

In the event of an unrequited love (which is what, 90% of all crushes?), things are better left unsaid and gestures better left undone. Especially when the other person has already expressed disinterest or been unresponsive to your “keen friendship”. The last thing you’d want to do is push your crush away by coming on too strong. I learned that the hard way… So now I am a little bit paranoid. I’m not sure what, exactly, is the right amount -or if there is standard. What tips the iceberg and what makes it melt?

All I want to express in all my awkwardness, is that I think of you when I wake up to a brand new day. I think of you when I see something beautiful because you are beautiful. I think of you when I see an enjoyable and interesting piece of theatre that I know you would appreciate. I think of you when I make new discoveries that I’d like to share. I also think of you when I get jealous of the well-matched couple on TV, or the couple walking along the beach hand in hand. And when I’m staring at the beautiful dark sky where the shining moon and shimmering stars hang, I wonder if you’re looking at it and thinking and wishing of someone, too. I’m mostly thinking about you when I’m writing this, but also working hard at wording each sentence properly (or am I trying too hard?).

That may sound like a lot of “thinking about you”s, but before you thwart me off, put yourself in my shoes; recall the times when you were thinking about your crush. I’m sure you know what it’s like and how you can beat yourself up for sounding lame and being a stalking creeper. Alas, being mistakenly interpreted is one of the risks you’d have take in writing something like this. I hope you remember that before you judge this post… this is my secret profession of affection. I am not defending feelings, nor am explaining them. I am merely telling you that I have been thinking about you.

OTP in Victoria

(original post date: August 29th, 2011)

Today marks the halfway point of my 12-day work-cation. The work to play ratio is approximately 1:20 though, so it’s really a vacation with a few hours of work spread out over the week. What is work? Stage managing Resounding Scream Theatre‘s production of The Troubles in the Victoria Fringe Festival. It isn’t bad at all, the work-cation. Quite delightful, actually. I am on the beach that’s a 10-min stroll from the vacation home I’m staying in with four other girls who are also part of the production (director/producer, assistant director, production manager, and writer/actor/producer). They’re all reading, and I’m scribbling chicken scratch in my barely big-enough notepad. I guess there’s the first difference between reader and writer (though I think writers should be readers, too, I have a hard time burying my nose in one a book). Or maybe it’s because I don’t talk much. I’m more of a listener, especially when there are people who are more inclined to share… not that it’s a bad thing.

Travelling in groups means a lot of compromise, and I don’t mind being a part of the entourage, but I also need my fix of personal time. I didn’t anticipate having little or no time alone with my thoughts. Those times are important to me. But so is work. And seeing shows in the festival, and getting to know the people there. So some things must come at a sacrifice when you’re in a group (it doesn’t help that we live a 20-min drive from city centre, where we can’t just stay home and travel on our own).

There has been a lot of firsts on this trip. My first “work-cation”, which is in fact really a trip with friends for two weeks, my first speeding ticket, the first time I got stung by a bee (I think, my cheek is still a little sore). And my first Victoria Fringe experience.

So far so good. There are lots of silly and funny moments, good and fantastic fulfilling ones, but there are also times when I wished to be somewhere else. There are lots of beaches, lots of water, and lots of sun. I can’t complain :) Most things are paid for, and I’m away from Vancouver, the place which I’ve been dying to get out of… but I miss it. I miss knowing where things are, hanging out with my friends, and being in a place I’m familiar with.

By the way, OTP = On The Prowl.

What If It All Means Something

(original post date: August 15th, 2011)


I turned twenty-three years of age today. Mom expelled me from her womb after nine months of careful nursing (and many more years after that, of course), and I am thankful for her doing so. I am thankful for the life that God has given me; I am thankful for the things and opportunities I have, the privileges I enjoy, the friendships I treasure, and the love I feel. I am also thankful for the tribulations and trials I’ve had so far because it is through them that I grow and learn. Speaking of growing and learning, here a list of things that’s been on my mind lately (would’ve liked to expand each into a post of their own, but alas… time is short on hand lately):

1. I am SO SO SO afraid of growing old. Sure, at 23 you think I’m just at my prime and I’m too young to worry about old age (or even TALK about being old). But it’s the fact that time flies by too quickly that I feel I may be missing out on life. That’s the scary part. Not living life to the fullest or wasting my days away, only to realize after how much of my time I had thrown out the window. Not to mention going at it ALONE…

2. The technological age has made me rethink my decision to have children. Kids nowadays are immersed in technology so much that it disgusts me. It irks me that their childhood consists of youtube, facebook, twitter and they plays with toys like iPods, iPhones, iPads, and/or Blackberries instead of singing nursery rhymes and constructing with Lego. I can’t stand being buried in technology. We depend on it so much that we’ve lost a good portion of our authenticity and “real” human connection.

3. My passion for theatre and film has dissipated a little ever since the spring semester ended. I suppose it’s partly due to finishing the film portion of my studies. My education felt like it came to an abrupt end. I am left with skills but no tools to pursue my goals further in the industry. These goals seem so far-fetched that the passion for it eventually subsided and shelved aside for the time being. As for theatre, I am continuously immersed in projects. From one right next to the other, with few or no breaks in between. It looks great on my resume, but it’s taking a toll on my passion.

4. This is kind of an extension from the 3rd point. I recently overheard/observed a conversation between a friend and her friend that made me question the reasons why I make art. It has shaken my roots quite a bit. I was once told I was lucky to have found the subjects I’m passionate about so early on in my education career (so I know what to focus on immediately in university). But why do I bother? What does art do? Sure, it’s therapeutic and inspiring, but who’s to say that this is contributing to a better world? How does art make the world a better place?

For example/ tangent: one of my pet peeves is sustainability/ recycling. I am serious to the point that I’d take the (unused) napkins home from restaurants… or wrap left-overs in napkin instead of using a Styrofoam box. In the film and theatre production world, we create A LOT of waste. Like, tons. And people don’t recycle. There are no recyclables. All garbage. They do whatever it is necessary to capture an image, to transform words onto the stage, or.get things done quickly and efficiently. They don’t take care of the earth and instead use up the resources! This whole “is art doing good” discussion and debate still constantly goes on in my head.

5. Skunks have been crossing my paths for the past year or two. Like, one a couple of days ago, before my birthday. And instances close to home… Not that I’m superstitious, but I am really starting to think that it’s hinting at something.

6. I really really really want to travel. I want to explore the world and expand my horizons. I don’t want to get comfortable in Vancouver or anywhere else because I want life to be constantly challenging and interesting. I have an epic CAN/US road-trip planned. Venice is also another stop on the tourist map. Hopefully next summer, when I’ve saved up enough…

Whew. That was good to get out. Thanks, brain, for still holding up. I guess you don’t feel the age… yet… either.