Mental Exhaust

Tonight I made a decision.

I looked back and saw your eyes crying out for help. Or companionship. Anything except to be left alone. It was like I looked through you and saw your suffering soul. You were alone with your drink. That, by any standard, is a bad sign. So I waded against the current and greeted you with half a smile.

You were searching for answers in a pool of stirred emotions. I couldn’t hand you what you want nor what you need. I wonder how misery can be trapped in such beautiful eyes. You spoke with a certain kind of softness, a voice that is on the edge of breakdown. I smell whiskey from your breath: a measurement of how dire your life is. I wish I knew you, and you me so we can both be each other’s comfort and support at times like this.

I didn’t want to leave you alone with your drink. But I had to go with the girls. I cannot get pictures of you falling apart out of my head. It’s something I never want to see. A beautiful soul I know is unraveling thread by thread, and for once I stand helpless. But I cannot let you become undone. No matter how fragile you are, you are a soul worth saving.

Tonight I made a decision.

My mind has been telling me that I need to write. But I’m scared all that will come out is a whole whack load of rant caused by drama from this past weekend. I admit it, you got to the best of me [you backstabbing piece of crap]. I cannot forgive myself for ever being friends with you, or get over the fact that, despite what I did, I cared.

I am mentally exhausted (quite literally). I don’t want to write a page’s worth of paragraphs trying to clear misunderstandings when all it does is make me think more about all your bullshit. You are a friend I can do without in my life, and it’s probably better that way. There are more important things in life than being drunk, stoned and rowdy.

My words are too precious and more useful in depicting fragments of myself. I should know better than to use it to vent. How I wish it wasn’t this therapeutic; I feel like I am cheating on writing.