Small Epiphany...?

When I get depressed, I think about calling friends —most of whom who are probably preoccupied with their life. I look for certain people to talk to, and the ones who I KNOW are busy for sure I skip. I scroll through the list of contacts in my phone until I reach the name of the person who’d most likely put in some time to hear silences at my end of the phone. But it never works out. It just doesn’t. Usually endless ringing greets me. And when I get lucky the other end picks up, only for me to discover that the last thing on their mind right now is to cheer me up or “hear” me out. Then I’m ruined for the night. I reach the end of my contacts and pockets my cellphone, often with a heavier heart than when I first started looking. I sink lower in my depression and thus begins a gloomy week.

I have no clue many of my close friends actually read my blog. But it doesn’t seem like ANY of them is. Sometimes that gets to me. Sometimes I get frustrated when they ask how I’ve been when I’ve already poured my heart out through writing. I end up saying “good”, “not bad”, or “okay” because I really don’t know where to start describing how/what I’m feeling. If you had read my blog you’d know.

This whole friendship thing is complicated. It requires too much balancing and reciprocity. I have been known to put too much weight on my friendships. At times I feel the people who I care about doesn’t care about me as much. It is always me who has to go after them. I am always making the sacrifice(s) that’s retaining the friendship(s) together even thought no one’s asking me to make those sacrifices. But if I don’t, friendships will probably disintegrate to a point where we’d become just “facebook friends”.

No matter how subjective all this is, it still feels shitty when there’s no one to talk to at the end of the night. Of course everyone “invest” in relationships differently. So if those who I care about doesn’t care about me as much, maybe I should stay at the same distance and find something/one else who would give me as much in return? Perhaps I should adapt a nonchalant attitude and pretend that everything doesn’t matter, just like how I feel when you don’t put in as much effort.

The sorrow of thinking about the lack of friends who I can talk to can almost be too overwhelming to the point where my original sadness seems infinitesimal, like a water drop in the ocean. I don’t know what to do anymore, except to face things on my own; deal with my own shit before I bother anyone else with it.

I’m totally getting off-topic here… I opened a can of worms and you know how those don’t close! What I originally wanted to say when I first started this entry was that maybe I’m overlooking it. Maybe I’m taking all my friends for granted. Maybe, just maybe, they are not as ignorant as I make them sound. And maybe I should not make this such a big deal (although it has been for a long time). Maybe I should open my eyes and see that there are people who actually care about me (even though most of them are just saying nice things here and there to make me feel that they care when they’re really too busy to care).

Maybe I shouldn’t think the worst of people. Maybe I should stop being such a hypocrite. Maybe I should stop having such high expectations for my friends. And last but not least, maybe I should appreciate them for who they are regardless of how they make me feel.