Story of my life.
Not that I want to physically get out of this city. No. I love Vancouver. But it’s the feeling that I feel contained in this place. No real freedom. Restrained and tied down.
I don’t like being restricted. I lie and break rules. I am a bad girl. So sue me! I cannot get out of here anyway.
I am tempted to use your initial as the title of this post, but I’m still scared that it’d be too obvious.
I don’t think I’ve ever told you (or not stressed enough) how lucky I am to have received your e-mail on August 5th. It was the start of a nice friendship… which eventually evolved into more (on my part). You are THE SINGLE MOST friendly person I’ve ever met in my entire life. I was blown away at your hospitality. I never knew this kind of generosity existed until you showed me otherwise.
So thank you. Thanks for being a friend. And thanks for introducing me to your friends! I know you’ve already got your plates full (and I wonder at what point you will stop being so nice to me —not to doubt you) but having little bits of you in my life makes me happy. Actually, it’s gotten to the point where you unintentionally dictates my mood… I know, it feels awful. Sorry for casting this burden on you. You are in no obligation to make me happy (unless in doing so makes you happy, too). And sorry for complicating our already not-so-existent friendship.
I have no idea what I should do. I’ve never experienced this before… so all that I’m asking is that you keep me in your life… please. At least until I am ready to tell you how I feel.
I hope you’re watching the moon from your side of the city. I’d like to think that we are acting out a scene in a movie where two lovers who are separated (for whatever reason) both look to the sky as if using the moon to connect and think about each other.
The full moon tonight is magnificent. Shining brightly in the sky, it brings a sense of tranquility and peacefulness in the dark night. Outwardly, I appear calm and collected. But every minute I spend alone, I feel restless and agitated because without the distraction of other people, my mind overflows with the thoughts of you. I miss you and I can’t stop thinking about you. Then I wish upon the stars and the moon I’m admiring that all my affection gets to you.
On a night this serene, all I want is you. But I can’t break free and rest my mind. I feel numb constantly racing for all traces of you. You are what is occupying my life at the moment, and it could get out of hand at the snap of a finger (like it is already starting to). I am treading a thin line between insanity (bunny boiler) and craziness.
Once again I rely on the moon to carry my message. I face upward towards the sky and wish upon the stars that you, too, are enjoying this night and time. And perhaps that, with just the slightest hint, I, would cross your mind at least once.
(Happy Mid-Autumn Festival!)
Why do we feel the need to justify everything? Why do we feel a need to answer every question? Can’t we leave questions unanswered? Can’t anything be just anything? And even if the answer is justifiable/-ied, does it really make it more valuable and truthful than it is?
Sometimes the truth just is. Like how love just is. You can’t justify it nor can you explain it when its magic has you under its spells.
Lea Pool isn’t a complete stranger in the short filmmaking life that I’ve started only about 4 years ago. This could count as an impressive feat considering I didn’t even know who Werner Herzog is until last month (and I call myself a film student…)
I remember I was picking out DVDs at the Bennett Library one day a year ago to take home for entertainment. I had inadvertently came across Lost and Delirious (2001)and after reading its synopsis, I decided to give it a chance. Something about boarding school and the relationship between the two roommates caught my attention… perhaps I wanted to fill a bit of the fantasy of being in a boarding school and rooming with my best friend. That and lesbian culture interested me greatly. So when Lea Pool was introduced in class, I was looking forward to see more of her work.
I was impressed with the portrayal of the young girl, Hanna, and the relationships between her and her family. A love-hate relationship with her father at a rebellious age and unfulfilled maternal love which results in a crush on her teacher seems like a typical coming-of-age story. But Pool took this generic story and made it easy to connect with through the portrayal of innocence and confused young love. Hanna’s journey of searching for herself and a place where she belongs was satisfying, heartbreaking and shocking. I find it ironic that it is only when Hanna returns home from her grandparents’ does her caged world start to really fall apart, because home is usually the place where we feel comfortable and safe.
The heartbreak of losing a best friend and the ache of unfulfilled maternal love never failed to touch me as I found my eyes wet while watching both Lost and Deliriousand Set Me Free. Lea Pool has proved herself worthy of my to-watch directors.
At the end of class, I wondered how the select few male students who were sitting behind me connected to the films we watched. Set Me Free was only a milder version of extreme feminist portrayal compared to Hammer’sDyketactics and Menses. Even I had a hard time watching a representation of menstruation being a female myself. The images could be described as ridiculous yet humourous, but maybe that totally supported the purpose of the film. The commentary of this bodily event which occurs naturally in half of the gender population was alarming. It wasn’t set out to educate the male viewers about the menstrual cycle but perhaps rather an abstract depiction of its complications and an outspoken anger at the way the society has condemned this natural process. The video-game-like music was laughable and helped aided in the absurdity of the film.
I just hope the guys in the class isn’t all freaked out about women now…
you’d know that I have become obsessed with you over the last few weeks. And that I am not usually the way I present myself in front of you. I do it because I am trying to impress… but it’s hard to tell if it’s working if you keep ignoring me. But I guess I am intrigued by a new friend. Strangers who become new friends is a phenomenon that I easily take for granted. Only until now do I realize that making friends gets harder as we grow up because we become more cautious. We build a wall at first to keep them at a distance. Then when it is “safe” to have them come closer do we take down the wall one stone at a time.
Or maybe it’s just me. I used to be super shy. So it’s still hard for me to come out of my turtle shell if no one approaches me first. Usually I’ll be the quiet kid that sits on the couch at a party where everyone else is conversing joyfully with their friends.
Anyway, I don’t know what has gotten into me this time, but I feel the need to prove myself in front of you. Maybe because you “discovered” me and made me your new project, which is exactly the opposite of what I want. New friends are hard to keep because we all go back to our “old” friends. So I am desperately trying to find a way to perhaps force you to hold on to me… so much so to the point that I started to think about you incessantly. And now, I don’t know if this counts, but I like the way it sounds: I have a girl crush.
Uncle arrived in town Sunday night. That means our house of 3 has doubled its usual occupancy, to 6. Aunt’s sleeping with mom on her queen-sized bed; my 16-year-old cousin takes over my double bed (and has made my sleep less-than-satisfactory), and uncle is supposed to sleep with my bro on his Queen but feels more comfortable on the couch.
I am not used to having this many people share our house before. Or invade my privacy all at the same time. Ever since I’ve moved here and started to enjoy a whole room to myself, I had gotten used to spending lots of time by myself (thinking and writing).
But now my every movement is being watched and I feel very cramped (since a majority of the space in my room has been allocated for my cousin’s suitcases). Boy, do I ever miss my freedom!
I feel like an animal. But there’s no need to stare at me incessantly. I’m not caged in a enclosure like an animal in a zoo is. So please, don’t stare at me 24/7. I am not a celebrity, and yes I am just like any other person on the planet (anatomy-wise). No matter how much you admire me, I do not feel comfortable being watched. So don’t let me ask you again: leave me alone!!!
Don’t wait for me outside the bathroom door when I take a shower. Don’t “see me off” every morning before I go to work like I’m your significant other. You don’t have to wake up at the same time I do. You get to sleep in… Embrace it, child!
Speaking of sleeping in, I should probably get to bed. Work tomorrow at 9am. Last day of summer work at Woodward’s!!!
