Maximum Capacity

Uncle arrived in town Sunday night. That means our house of 3 has doubled its usual occupancy, to 6. Aunt’s sleeping with mom on her queen-sized bed; my 16-year-old cousin takes over my double bed (and has made my sleep less-than-satisfactory), and uncle is supposed to sleep with my bro on his Queen but feels more comfortable on the couch.

I am not used to having this many people share our house before. Or invade my privacy all at the same time. Ever since I’ve moved here and started to enjoy a whole room to myself, I had gotten used to spending lots of time by myself (thinking and writing).

But now my every movement is being watched and I feel very cramped (since a majority of the space in my room has been allocated for my cousin’s suitcases). Boy, do I ever miss my freedom!

I feel like an animal. But there’s no need to stare at me incessantly. I’m not caged in a enclosure like an animal in a zoo is. So please, don’t stare at me 24/7. I am not a celebrity, and yes I am just like any other person on the planet (anatomy-wise). No matter how much you admire me, I do not feel comfortable being watched. So don’t let me ask you again: leave me alone!!!

Don’t wait for me outside the bathroom door when I take a shower. Don’t “see me off” every morning before I go to work like I’m your significant other. You don’t have to wake up at the same time I do. You get to sleep in… Embrace it, child!

Speaking of sleeping in, I should probably get to bed. Work tomorrow at 9am. Last day of summer work at Woodward’s!!!

On the Job

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Weekend Lessons

1) Catch up with your best friend. Eat, shop, splurge —but only do so at your own risk; drink, and have some pie while you discuss the latest gossip or the best film idea you’ve ever came up with. Then laugh a whole lot and hug each other like you’re never going to let go. Hugs are therapeutic. Add a dose of best friend to that and you’ve got yourself some holistic healing/cleansing… magic!

2) Let your inspiration(s) take you on a journey and be surprised. You never know where you’re going to end up.

For example: let someone cut your hair. Or cut someone’s hair (preferably a boy). Start by trimming. Then as that pair of scissors starts to grow on you, let it be the guide and your hand the motor that powers it. Go from nerdy to punk rock. Or long to none. I’m sure the lucky patron will appreciate and enjoy the change you have so spontaneously cooked up for them!

3) Don’t ever cook in a kitchen where there are two mom’s present. Things could get messy. Things could go wrong. Things could be judged and criticized, even if such thoughts are silent. Everyone has their own way of cooking just as much as doing things in their way, so be respectful of individuality! There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” to home cooking. There’s only “that’s not how I do it” or “you should do what I do”. But if it turns out to be delicious, why fuss about the process?

4) Sharing a bedroom and a double bed with a cousin who’s six-years your junior for two weeks isn’t as easy as it sounds. With near-to-none privacy you better be adaptable and prepared to be subjected to lots of hugs, screams, squeals, reading-over-your-shoulder, tight quarters, messy spills from overflowing luggage, and last but not least — even less sleep (and comfort) than what you were getting before.

The trick is to keep both of you occupied and engrossed in your own activity to not interfere with each other. Then send her to bed way before you so you’d have time to write a blog post about this somewhat ridiculous she’bang. Oh, make sure you have two sets of blankets in case she’s a hogger.

A Birthday (w)Hole

(written August 16th, 2010)

I turned twenty-two yesterday.

Like a lot of people would say on their birthday, I don’t feel any different. Nor do I feel my age. But on the way home in the afternoon after a rowdy night at the theatre party house, I suddenly feel hollow. I had just left my very friends with who I share intimate moments and hang out on an occasional basis. I should be happy that my mom, for once, let me stay out for a party!

Even though I am surrounded by friends, I feel lonely. It could very possibly be the post-show depression that comes typically after one finishes working on a show. But I’m sure lying to my family, not being involved with anyone romantically, and having to cram this week for my final on Friday right after the show’s finished also adds to the inner complexions.

I don’t know what I need to fill my void with because I don’t know what’s causing it in the first place. I am working at a great job, I’m excited to return to school in the fall, and I will finally have some sort of a decent summer after Friday (which means more hanging out with friends). All the things that are working out for me at the moment seems to fail in comparison to a giant hole in my heart. Just what else do I need to make myself happy?

The only reason I can think of right now, is for dad to come back… even if it’s just for a minute. Only then, could I imagine myself truly happy… 19 years just isn’t quite long enough, and the 3 without you is too much of a stretch already. Oh Dad how I miss thee!

I can still remember the big chocolate cake you bought for my 16th. Ten small pieces later, the big chunk of the leftover cake is stowed away in the fridge, which eventually gone bad. To this day I wish I had shown appreciation for that cake more, I wish I hadn’t let those pieces gone to waste, and I hope that you knew how much I appreciated the thought and love that came with the cake. If only you were here for my birthday again…

Sounds like it is dad’s love that I’m missing for my birthday.

Now I...

Just got off the phone with you, and I’m drowning in a feeling of uneasiness. I should’ve done a better job at keeping records. It would certainly help iron things out right now. The frustration in your voice was clear and I’m not sure if I could handle it if everything got out of hand.

And at the same time my heart’s pounding irregularly. I can’t stop thinking about you after last night. And once again I’m finding myself asking that exact same question I continue to struggle with. I suddenly feel so alone in this world. I catch myself thinking and preparing for a girls night out next Saturday where I can’t be just who I am. I don’t know what I’d say if they ask the right questions. To think they used to be my role models —dare I say, mentor— not being truthful to them is not being truthful to myself. But I don’t know if I (or they?) would be comfortable if I come clean.

Now I am agitated, restless and worried… but maybe also ‘cuz I’m just too hungry.

Even if I could push rewind, I’m not sure what I would do.

Searching For You

I have been craving for new music lately. Nothing on my CD shelf seems to satisfy my hip-hop/pop mood. Luckily I was introduced to The Veronicas a few months back by my music-fanatic friend Joyce. I started listening to their songs —specifically ones for which they have official music videos— on youtube, and came across one that I keep on repeat: This Love.

The lyrics in this song describes exactly how I’m feeling. “You have become a piece of me” in those several months when we saw each other as much as we could. But fate is slowly pulling me away from you. I haven’t seen you in three months… everything just keeps going in circles. I was here two years ago, why did I let myself give you more chances?

Even if I leave you now
And it breaks my heart
Even if I’m not around
I won’t give in (won’t give in)
I can’t give up (can’t give up)
On this love

Technically we are not together to begin with; so I can’t really “leave” you. Nor do I know if I want to. Something is making me hold on. I don’t know what, but it breaks my heart to think that I should leave you. You are not around, and it’s hard to not give up.

I can’t just close the door
(on this love)
I never felt anything like this before
(like this love)
Tell me the truth no matter what we’re going through
Will you hold on too ’cause

I [have already] trusted you to hold my heart. Don’t fade away…

Life in July

Who knew my July would be this busy: 32hrs of work + 17hrs of rehearsal?! Oh, did I mention summer school on top of that? Don’t get me wrong, this is great. I’m kind of getting a taste of the life I thought I’d have if I am doing theatre on the side of a full-time job. But there are things I didn’t expect:

1) Getting so many shifts for work. I work as a part-time theatre technician at SFU Woodward’s. And being a part-time tech, we usually don’t get called into work unless there is a show for us to work on. The SFU School for the Contemporary Arts is moving to this new building in the fall. Technically the campus isn’t officially open yet, so I didn’t expect it to host many shows, if at all. Little did I know that we would be there for days, weeks in a row, inventory all equipment and getting stuff ready for the move in. And now there’s a secret show on the 27th, who knows what else is in store for us?!

BUT I really can’t complain… because the pay is double what I was working for at Subway a year ago. AND I’m getting trained as a board op! Just had a session on the ion last Thursday. Awesome!

2) Rehearsals seem to be taking away all my free time. Well, I knew it was going to be like this, but since I didn’t expect to be so busy with work, I didn’t foresee rehearsals being so tiresome. I have to head straight to the bus stop right after work and zip it cross town to be at rehearsal on time.

3) School being extraneous and stressful. I am currently taking ONE class, Linguistics 100: Language and Communication. This is easily the easiest of all university courses. I missed six classes (3 weeks of lecture) in a row after the first midterm, which means I had about 15 chapters to catch-up on for the 2nd midterm. Good thing the professor doesn’t really test things from the text book. It serves more like a reference than anything. And good thing she puts her lecture powerpoints online so I can miss classes and not worry about missing material. I finished the 2nd midterm in about 40mins. Getting the results back on Tuesday… I think I did pretty decently —and by that I mean I don’t expect to fail.

4) Friends wanting to hang out but can never find the time. Because work and rehearsal takes up the majority of my time, there are limited times that I can hang out with friends. But it seems like there’s already an unending list of people who I should catch-up with. Those who require an entire day of my time keeps getting pushed back just ‘cuz I can’t spare that much time for one person right now. I can only do little chunks without running short on time… Another thing that’s affecting this is I’d like to catch a show (or two) that I really want to see. For example Broadway’s The Lion King, and Glengarry Glen Ross by the Arts Club starring Eric McCormack. Or special events that I’d like to attend, like the Vancouver Folk Music Festival this past weekend, and Playland for $9.45 on Tuesday nights until mid-August.

5) No time to write. Inspiration for potentially great entries have cropped up here and there, but if I don’t write some key words down or something, my mind is soon consumed with other things (work + rehearsal, most likely). And the ingenious post gets lost in the sea of business… which is such a shame. Though I suppose if there’s any writing in my spare time, my script should probably be top priority.

I’m beat. Slept for 11hrs last night after filming a wedding, and I’m still exhausted. Hopefully my habit of staying up late will soon change and I can get my life back on track.